


What's Real

by annamariestark



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 13:36:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19974940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annamariestark/pseuds/annamariestark
Summary: Julian is sure of everything. And nothing. But what does it matter at the end of the world, anyway?





	What's Real

**Author's Note:**

> More Discord flavored angst.

Julian wasn’t sure how long he’d been like this. How long he’d been sitting in the same spot in that run-down tavern. Nothing ever changed here. That goddamned accordion in the corner played the same song over and over. Or did it? He didn’t know. He drank Salty Bitters and that alone. No need to eat. He wondered sometimes if he’d die from not eating, but unfortunately, death never came for him. The only constants were the drink, the music, and the flicker of torch light off the walls, and the feathers.

Gods, the new feathers that would wrench through his skin, leaving a trickle of blood each time. It was agony, but he supposed he deserved it. He could barely remember his life, save for the bad bits. Every time he’d ever let someone down, all his misgivings. How he’d hurt… what was her name? She had a name, he was sure. Kit. Was that it? No. But maybe it was. He’d claimed his love for her and in the next set of breaths he’d broken her heart. What a monster he was.

The illusions were the worst. Or were they illusions? That person. Was it Kit? She’d come to the tavern, sometimes. Scream at him.

_This is all your fault! How dare you make that deal, you idiot! You’ve ruined the world! You ruined my life! I hate you!_

And maybe she did hate him. He wouldn’t have blamed her. After all, he did ruin everything for everyone. Story of his life.

The door opened. It was Kit. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d seen her. He opened his arms to her as she ran to him, but she passed through him like smoke, and he knew he’d never see her again. Not really.

Every time he tried to fight the Devil, he lost another piece of himself. Grew more feathers. He was sure his reflection sneered back at him.

_Look what you’ve become. Monster. Demon. Piece of absolute filth. How could anyone ever love you?_

“Kit loved me,” he’d try to tell himself under his breath. But he knew she didn’t. Was her name Kit? He couldn’t remember. Every time he tried to grasp memories of her, they slipped through his fingers. No. His talons. He was a demon now, wasn’t he? Of course he was. And who could love him? No one loved him. Not Pasha, not Mazelinka. Not Kit.

Who was Kit? Pasha, Mazelinka. Surely he’d made them up in his head. No one would dare love him.

Another time, he couldn’t tell how long, and she was there again. Cowering in the corner, broken glass crunching under her boots. Kit. She was so scared, and rightfully so. He was a monster, after all. He felt his stomach twist in knots as those deep blue eyes looked on him in pure terror. The eyes he’d come to love, once upon a time. He remembered the time she’d told him she loved him. But now… she ran from the tavern, screaming.

Not long, maybe, and she was back. He’d had it. He swatted at her, talons fully extended, eyes growing to the size of dinner plates when she recoiled, blood streaming from the arm she’d put up to protect herself.

“Ow! What did you do that for? Julian, it’s me!”

“No, you’re just an illusion,” he scoffed. "And I'm not Julian. Maybe I used to be. But you’re the most convincing illusion anyway, so congratulations, I suppose.”

She was running her fingertips over the cuts now, the skin was knitting itself together as he watched. It couldn’t be real. Magic wasn’t real. And yet, she finished, and began to approach him.

“Don’t come any closer!” He shouted, tears welling in his eyes. “Illusion or not, I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“I’m _not_ an illusion, Julian,” Kit said exasperatedly. “How can I prove it to you?”

“You can’t. Just go. Say your piece and go. What are you going to yell at me for this time? Tell me you hate me? I know you do. You’ve certainly said it enough times… I think.”

She was crossing the room then, backing him into a corner, but he was afraid to strike out again. What if she _was_ real?

Can’t be.

“It’s me. I promise.” And with that she was standing on tiptoe, reaching up with both arms, grasping ever so gently at the nape of his neck to pull his lips down to meet hers. He melted into the kiss and in that moment he was sure of only one thing. She _was_ real.

…Or was she?

“Now that I’ve found you, I’m never leaving you again,” she murmured against his lips. He pulled back and eyed her, completely taken aback.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. This is real, Julian. I’m real.”

“Well… I don’t know if you are or not, but pull up a chair, have a drink. Welcome to my own personal hell.”


End file.
